A reflection

I spent all of yesterday staring out my window at the lake. I didn’t sleep after my encounter with the Tall Man. I shook, I opened my curtain, and I looked out at the water.

I thought.

For an entire day, I thought. My mother called me for breakfast, and I didn’t move. My father called me for church, and I didn’t move. He shouted, and I did not budge. For the first time, they left without me.

For one whole day, I looked out at the lake, reflecting on what happened there. From before the sun rose until after it set, all I did was think. So many thoughts running through my mind as I struggled, trying to comprehend everything that was said, what it meant, and what it meant to me.

This morning, two hours into the new day, I made my decision. I posted it here, the only place that maintains a record of my story, and fell fast asleep. I awoke to find him sitting at the foot of my bed, staring at me. I didn’t flinch. I didn’t move away. I looked at the Tall Man, and I shook my head. The next thing I remember is waking up again, my room empty.

I have reached a conclusion: The Tall Man is wrong. Or, if he is right, then I cannot accept it.

He claims that my existence is wrong. He says that I am dangerous, a threat to all things. He says that I have to be removed.

I don’t believe this. I thought about it for an entire day. For some time, I believed he may be right. I considered taking my own life then and there with the rifle that I still had from our conversation. I’ve hurt many. I’ve proven myself to be walking potential violence. I don’t have friends who would miss me, besides Cassia. I am a burden to my parents. I thought that if I am the cause of such disarray that this being has to remove me, perhaps I should do it myself. If I am the source of disorder, I needed to be removed.

But I don’t believe that’s true. The universe is naturally orderly. It is built upon the chaos of people making choices, subjectively “right” or “wrong”. We cause pleasure, and we cause pain. In the end, all our decisions simply further the existing order.

I make those decisions. They are not made by some impossible man. They are not forced upon me. I will not allow him to take control of my fate. He claims to know better, and perhaps he does, but I will not let him take the one thing that makes me human, all under the guise of knowing more.

I may be wrong. I may be making a mistake, but it is mine to make. I will find a way to freedom. All will be well, once I prove the Tall Man wrong.

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