I cant sleep. I’m up way too late on a school night but I just cannot fall asleep. My brain is going in way too many directions. I just keep wondering why Im like this. I wish I wasn’t so shy. It’s not like I don’t want to have friends. It’s not like I enjoy being alone. I just… I freeze up. I don’t know. I just don’t know. Why can’t I just connect with people?
I know I’ve said over and over in this blog that everyone makes their own decisions and there’s always a choice. I know that Ive said people need to get active if they want things to happen because nthing gets done just sitting around waiting for that something to get done but I just can’t. There’s too much going on so it’s easier to just ignore people. It’s easier to just nod and smile and say hello than really emotionally invest in a friendship which is why Cassia makes me uncomfortable.
I’ve had friends but then something always happens that splits us apart. Sometimes its me an sometimes its them and sometimes its just circumstances. It doesn’t really matter, in the end. All that matters is that I always get hurt which is probably why I’m so hesitant to make friends, or at least that’s what my therapist says. Sometimes I don’t think she knows what she’s talking about but other times I think she does and I think this may be one of those times because it just makes sense.
I just want to be normal sometimes, you know? I just want to talk to someone and feel like I know someone else pretty well and I’m not just coasting through life alone. I gotta sleep this is stupid.